Mutterings for the Minority

One of the women in work – I couldn’t possibly refer to her as a lady – decided to send this little “guide” to me via email today.

I thought it would be very rude of me not to share it with everyone else, especially given that its content could be considered as alarmingly accurate.

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

5. Get in the shower.

6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

7. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins…

8. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

9. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

10. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red…

11. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

15. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

16. Get out of shower.

17. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

18. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

19. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

5. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

6. Get in the shower.

7. Wash your face.

8. Wash your armpits.

9. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

10. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Wash your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohican.

13. Wee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off.

16. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

17. Admire willy size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

19. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

Does any of that reflect what happens at your place of residence?

Yes, I thought so. When you stop laughing, feel free to pass it onto someone else whom might benefit from the guide – if only to put a smile on their face

A work colleague of mine decided to share this rather long, but amusing story with me today. After slowly reading it through – pausing only to wipe the tears of hysteria away – I felt the urge to share it with your good selves.

Picture a Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife… A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest…

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse – sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it… She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that…

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best …

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ….!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s… My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Being an avid football fan, I was most intrigued today with the announcement of the squads for some of the particpating countries in this year’s World Cup in South Africa.

BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Pinnochio
Libero
Vimto
Memento
Borneo
Tango
Cheerio
Subbuteo
Scenario
Fellatio
Portfolio

SUBS:
Placebo
Porno
Polio
Banjo
Brasso
Stereo (L)
Stereo (R)
Hydrochlorofluoro
Aristotle
Computersezno

CROATIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Itch
Annoyingitch
Hardtoreachitch
Scratchanitch
Hic
Sic
Spic
Pric
Digaditch
Fallinaditch
Horseraditch

SUBS:
Mowapitch
Letsgetrich
Shagabitch

RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Whodyanicabolicov
Ticlycov
Chesticov
Nasticov
Slalomsky
Downhillsky
Risky
Swedishshev
Mastershev
Fuckov
Ufuckov

SUBS:
Rubitov
Gechakitov
Sodov
Pastryshev
Najinsky
Ivorripabollockov
Taykitov

ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Chatanoogaciouciou
Atishiou
Blessiou
Thankyiou
Busqueue
Snookercu
Pennyciou
Twoapennyciou
Fourapennyciou
I’llgetciou
Youandwhosarmi

SUBS:
U
NonU
ManU
Stuffyiou

DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Toomanigoalssen
Tryandstopussen
Crapdefenssen
Haveagossen
Firstsson
Seccondsson
Thirdsson
Legshurtssen
Notroubleseeingussen
Wherestheballssen
Getthebeerssen

SUBS:
Howmanygoalsisthatssen
Finallygaveupcountinssen
Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen
Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen

ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Baloni
Potbelli
Beerbelli
Giveitsumwelli
Wotsontelli
Yrarseissmelli
Onetoomani
Legslikejelli
Havabenni
Wobblijelli
Spendapenni

SUBS:
Cantthinkofani
Buggermi

MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
San Francisco
Costa Brava
Hopelez
Juan Andonly
Manuel Gearbox
Don Criformi- Argentina
Skrewdigalz
Luis Canon
Sombrero
Chihuahua
Jose

SUBS:
Jesus Maria Don Key
Burrito
Speedy Gonzalez
Tequila
Caramba

DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010
Kenning van Hire
Van Diemansland
Van der Valk
Van Gard
Van Erealdizeez
Ad van Tagus
Hertz van Rental
Transit van Dors
Van Coova
Van Sprokendown
Aye van Hoe

SUBS:
Van Iller
Van Ishincreme
Van Morrison

Now the squad names have been announced I’m off to get my favourite Brazillian player’s shirt – Fellatio

Someone sent me this little gem via email today, I’m sure you’ll all agree it’s pretty much spot on!

How many forum members does it take to…

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Funny but true!

Being an avid rugby fan and a proud Welshman – I just had to share this little gem with you. So may I present to you, the all NEW England rugby union shirt

It’s available from all good sports shops and some rubbish ones too. Oh and it’s also priced at the bargain price of £36 as well

If you don’t know what the hell I’m on about then read this story on the BBC website.