Mutterings for the Minority

I was sent this by a female colleague today (thanks KS) and thought it was worth sharing because – (a) it’s funny and (b) it’s factually correct

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

We always hear ” the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE !

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sport… It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.

So, what do you reckon fellas/ladies?

With the weather returning to its normal state, i.e. wet and bloody windy, I thought I’d try and cheer everyone up with a joke I was sent earlier today. I was actually sent two, but the former was waaaaay too rude to put on here! Any here is the “Police Monkey” joke

A tourist visiting a far away country in the heart of god knows where (possibly Cardiff), walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, I’ll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the officer saying, “That’ll be £5,000 please Sergeant”

The Sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why
did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath test operator, can write twenty tickets a week, can deploy Stinger at a moments notice, knows all there is to know on traffic legislation and is authorised by the Chief of Police in pursuit driving – well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That ones even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter Terrorism Training, Physical Training, Small Unit Tactics and investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000. “That one must be even better? What does it do?”

That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information 12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys can’t see anymore, be in 5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by, and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong.”

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do f*** all yet, but it says it’s a Detective!”

Thanks to Lance for sharing that with me.

Do you ever get cheesed off at the about of junk mail and unsolicited telephone calls you get? Well if you’ve tried the Telephone Preference Service (TPS) and/or the Mailing Preference Service (MPS) you’ll know that they’re a good place to start in terms of fighting back.

But, my mate Lance has sent me some other interesting stuff, which is rather interesting and cheekily funny at the same time! Read on…..

REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: “Hold On, Please…”
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that sales would practically grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT’s “beep-beep-beep” tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset …. You have efficiently completed your task.

These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
Calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a
“real” salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

3: When you get those “pre-approved” letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?

It costs them more than the regular postage “IF” and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case,why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes?

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express … They might need one!
Send a pizza coupon to HSBC … In case their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form … After all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all .. You are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ….. We need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let’s let them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail,
And best of all they’re paying for it … Twice!

Let’s help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let’s help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

Well I know one thing for sure, I’m going to be using some of those little gems from now on – it’s payback time.

It was a great feeling leaving work at 4pm today, especially in light of the fact that I’m now off for a whole week – and making the most of it with a visit to Center Parcs Longleat.  Cooool.