Mutterings for the Minority An insight into the world of DDWT

Dan’s Stag – The Epilogue

Well here we are some 72 hours or so after Dan's Stag Day on Saturday and I'm glad to report that he's fully sobered up now. He's also back to wearing his normal clothes... by his standards anyway! Only kidding Dan

So now that the alcopops have settled, the pictures vetted and stories of the day's conversations shared, I thought it time to enlighten those present (and those not) as to some of the funnier moments of our Tour de Gower aboard the blue bus.

Now being somewhat of a lightweight in the drinking department, I opted for the safe option of a noon start to proceedings, rather than taking the hardcore option of meeting the majority of stags at 10:30 am for some breakfast.

From what I was told, breakfast consisted of two large baps filled with fresh, top quality cholesterol products - not too dissimilar from my brekkie pictured below.

With the carling/strongbow/stella/vodka/whatever (delete as appropriate) having started to flow, it was time to don the Dan's Stag attire of white t-shirts for the day and head off in search of the Royal Oak Hotel in Penclawdd.

The early banter from some of the passengers on-board the blue bus suggested that the testosterone levels had already started to rocket and that the bus wouldn't be the only thing considered 'blue' as the day unfolded. The excuses of "Well, he doesn't get out much see" were already in full circulation by the time we reached stop numero uno.

The Royal Oak, well what can I say? It has some cracking views looking out of the Loughor Estuary from the front, and erm, some stunning views of someone's kitchen from the beer garden. Oh yes and they don't sell many (if any?) bottled beers.

One of our motely crue was so rude as to ask the barman for "a bottle of Sol please butt". The rather disdainful look he got in return would have been more akin to someone asking if they could have your last 4 sheets of toilet paper when you'd just endured a severe bout of diarrhea.

After exchanging some pleasantries - and a wolf whistle - with a passing groom and bride (we had to point out the whistle was for the bride, as the groom seemed to think it was him) and giving Dan Biggar (of Osprey's fame) a big wave, we boarded the bus for our next destination never to return to the Royal Oak again. Sorry but we couldn't think of a reason why we'd want to!

Now The Greyhound Inn in Oldwalls, is what I'd call a proper country pub with a bit of character and most importantly an atmosphere.

Many of us were licking our lips at the thought of lunching here - due to a well tasty looking menu - but alas with the restaurant busier than a beach in Benidorm, we would have to make do with some liquid refreshments instead.

Thankfully there was a cracking choice of beers (including bottles!) available and large rear beer garden in which to enjoy them. This also provided us with a great team Dan's Stag photo opportunity.

Alas no sooner had we had our photo's taken and sunk our beverages it was time to head off in search of our next destination.

It was at this point in the day when we realised one major deficiency with our 'blue bus' - it had no friggin' suspension (or at least it felt that way). It did occur to me that IF any of the passengers had been suffering from piles - which had recently rescinded - then the pothole pummeling would surely only serve to bring them back to their original painful position? Thankfully nobody commented on whether or not this indeed applied to them.

Perhaps the historic ruins of Weobley Castle or the rather unusual sight of some mountain boarders in the nearby field helped null the pain many of our backsides were feeling. Thankfully it wasn't too long before we arrived of pub stop number 3 - The Britannia Inn in Llanmadoc.

The Brit is a wonderfully weird kind of place complete with it's own aviary, rabbit run, children's playground and beer garden overlooking the Loughor Estuary. It has a very rural, out of the way feel about it - but it is extremely welcoming.

With the stomachs starting to rumble and much alcohol having now been consumed, it was evident that the hazy fantazy period was well underway - aided by a rather scorching sun. Many others like I thought it was time to dine and opted for the following for £6.95 - which was described as Ham, egg and chips!

It was a disappointment to say the least and one really should have stuck with just some good old fashioned stodgy chips. David (Dan's brother) managed to blag - or perhaps commandeer would be a better description - an order of 5 bowls of chips from the young eastern european waitress. Little wonder table 9 wondered what happened to their order then...

Still at least the resident beer drinking albino cat - which could quite possibly have belonged to Ernst Stavro Blofeld of James Bond fame - enjoyed eating the fatty gristle which I'd trimmed off the cold ham!

Dan: "Is that a skinny cat?"
Blofield: "I think not Mr. Bennett"

You can just imagine the number of pussy related gags that were aired at this point - none of which I will bore you with here!!

The barman at the Brit had the most amazing (in term of looks) Russian proverb tattooed on his forearm - the translation of which escaped me and everyone else at the bar. Mind you the two pin studs he had inserted into either side of his spine at the back of his neck said it all I guess!! Who'd have thought that there'd be a wee spot of Russian in deepest Gower

After much debate and an extended stay at the Britannia it was time to hit the road once again for our last scheduled stop on the Gower tour - the Countryman in Scurlage.

This part of the journey was without doubt the worst and merely served to remind us that we did indeed have a bus with no suspension. As soon as we arrived, the queue for the gents was a sight to behold and wouldn't have looked out of place in a conga at an old people's home.

A new pub meant a new hat, neck tie and footwear for Dan. In fact I think he wanted to join the nearby 30th birthday party - as part of the entertainment obviously.

The beer kept flowing as did the games of killer pool and darts, and suffice to say the accompanying choice of music on the jukebox got that bit crankier as well. From Europe to Dr & The Medics, A-Ha to Michael Jackson and perhaps most worryingly of all the Birdy Song!

Talking of beer and food, I was mightily impressed by the selection of tipples on offer - especially Magners on draught. The choice of food menu wasn't bad either...

... but it didn't stop me and a few others sneaking into next door for some pukka tukka to soak up the afternoon's liquid refreshments.

By 18:30 it was time to depart the Gower and head off for the bright lights of the city and a return to basecamp in the Wig and Pen.

At was as this stage that a number of the troops were a wee bit worse for wear and took the sensible (if boring!) option of heading home. By the time we'd donned our number one's (i.e. bestest shirts) and admired our glowing foreheads (thank you Mr. Sunshine) our numbers had dwindled to around 18.

From here on in things get more than a little bit sketchy as this media correspondent was well and truly in ciderspace. They say a video is better than any blog's words, so with this is mind I'll let this video snippet of Dan the Stag set the scene for the reminder of our evening...

Shortly afterwards a party of saga louts arrived to celebrate someone's 80th birthday and so we thought it best to leave as we didn't want any trouble

So only 8 of us then made the long walk into town (via McDonalds) to Reflex for some bopping and other Wind Street, Swansea sorts of things.

To set the final scene, I'll just use a few choice words/phrases and leave the rest to your imagination - giant cocktails, landing on one's arse, nurses, dodgy dancing, shorts, pole dancing, peppermint and cheap vibrators. Those present 'til the end will know exactly what I'm referring too!

All in all it was a cracking day and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves immensely - especially Dan.

A big thanks as well to Captain Chris who organised proceedings and for all those that attended and made the day what it was. Thanks to those of you who followed on twitter as well - just a shame the #dansstag hash tag didn't catch on.

And finally, apologies if I've missed anyone or anything off this little write up, but the combination of alcohol and age have taken their toll on my memory!

See you all on September 3rd

Dan’s Stag Day – The Prologue

Tomorrow is a big day for a certain Daniel Bennett as it's his stag do. Fair play, the lad's got sense making sure he has his 'blow out' well before he gets married to Laura on September 3rd

Our Dan is an avid Swansea City fan (like myself) and is a season ticket holder in the affectionately known 'ASBO stand' (AKA Tesco stand) at the Liberty Stadium. Thinking about it, I suspect that given the Con-Dems decision earlier this week to abolish the ASBO (in its current guise at least) then the stand will have to be re-named... hmmmm... answers on the back of a banning order please. Anyway, I digress.

He shares a passion for disliking Cardiff (anything and everything), football officials and his 5 year old nephew beating him at penalties. He also had a tendency to get rather irate at the football - usually at Gorka Pintado's striking ability or the officials. Personally, I think the constant sucking on Trebor's extra strong mints has something to do with it, but he denies this vehemently.

So there's your background on the stag and an insight into some of the likely banter for the day.

Talking of banter - the whole reason for this blog post - is that I've been assigned the task of media correspondent for the day, which will involve providing online updates of the day's events... from a sensible start to a messy finish no doubt - and the obligatory (censored) epilogue afterwards of course.

I'm hopeful of many a tweet, twitpic or twitvid - so if you fancy a gander then simply follow me. I'm also going to try and start trending the #dansstag hash tag on twitter - but I suspect I won't get far with that unless my followers/blog readership help out... HINT HINT

In all seriousness though, I hope it'll make interesting reading as part of the day will involve doing a tour of the Gower and it's numerous country pubs - cue some culinary, historical and beer related info, or at least that's my plan. You never know on trips like this if you're going to unearth some real gems (in terms of food/beer).

All sounds a bit sensible for a stag do - well yes it probably is, but part of the reason for this (from my perspective at least) is that I really can't drink very much alcohol (i.e. > 3 pints) without sounding like a complete bumbling f*ckwit! Some people might say I sound like that anyway, but that's a different story.

The fun kick's off at Sam's Cafe on St. Helen's Road at 10:30, am before our official transport arrives at the Wig and Pen at 11:45. This is when I suspect the majority of the party of 25 plus - myself included - will arrive. I had hoped to disclose a picture of our t-shirt attire for the day on this very blog, but alas for reasons of secrecy I am unable to do so. I'll be sure to post a picture tomorrow though!

Our first scheduled stop is the Royal Oak in Penclawdd before embarking on our own 'Tour De Gower'. For those left standing/walking/talking it'll then be onto Wind Street by approximately 8pm - which is when I'm sure we'll really have the urine extracted out of us due to the t-shirts.

And there you have it, the prologue to what we all hope will be an epic day for Dan the Stag.